"Circles"

By Demetrius Johnson

Dedicated to Toya Johnson

Losing someone you love is an indescribable feeling. There are no words that can truly sum up the emotions in which you feel. It's a kind of pain that I don't think words will ever be able to fully describe. Today marks two years since my sister's passing and I still haven't found the words. 

Grief can be insufferable and suffocating. It latches onto you and at times it feels as though you will never be able to free yourself of it's grip. I often times feels like I'm in an endless race where my emotions are in an endless loop...going in circles.

There are moments where it feels like you're slowly making progress in healing your heart only to circle right back around to where it's broken. It at times feels like there's no end in sight. As much as we understand that death is inevitable and we all must face it one day, knowing this fact doesn't aid in making it easier to digest.

You think of all the moments you shared with your loved one and you smile and laugh only to end up in tears again. How do you go from loving and caring for someone and living life with them to one day being expected to continue on without that person. How do you internalize the fact that you are no longer able to speak with them laugh with them or be in each other's presence?

Trying to continue being happy, when someone who contributed to that hippieness, is no longer here in an uphill battle. It's extremely difficult trying to find peace, when a huge piece of you is now missing. 

I hope that one day I'm able to find an exit from this endless loop. I hope that one day I'm able to stop running this race. I hope that one day I am capable of finding peace. I hope that one day my heart will heal and I can stop going around in circles.

Toya Johnson

In Loving Memory of Toya "Africa" Johnson

Photography by Demetrius Johnson

Today marks the year anniversary of my sister's passing. In the time that she has been gone, I feel as though I have become a completely different person. Trying to find peace, when the biggest piece of me is missing has been extremely difficult.

We are often told that, "Time heals all wounds" and I hope and pray that there is truth in that statement. Grieving the most valuable person in the world to me, has been an uphill battle and undoubtedly the hardest of my life. Over the past year there have been many times where I felt I would self-destruct. Trying to accept the harsh reality that she is no longer here, has seemed absolutely unfathomable. I often sit alone and speak to her as though she is still here, only to realize that I will never hear her respond and it's almost unbearable. We would often say to one another that "We're Johnson's and we can get through anything" and that has been the sole driving force for me to push on, because I don't want to let her down by not being able to make it through this.

I'm thankful for all the times we got to share. I’m thankful for all the love we got to give to one another. I’m thankful for all the laughs and all the memories we created together, that I get to hold in my heart forever. Grief is something that no one and nothing can prepare you for. Losing a loved one isn't easy at all and you can easily lose yourself in "What Ifs" and "What could have been." I continuously have to remind myself of who she was and what she would have wanted for me. She wouldn't want me going through life with a cloud of darkness hanging over me. She wouldn't want me to feel overwhelmed with guilt. She would want me to continue living life and to try to make it as beautiful as I possibly could, because that's just who she was.

You're the first thing on my mind when I awake and you're the last thing on my mind before I go to sleep. I've said it before and I'll say it again and again and again, you are the best gift that God and our mom have ever given me! You're still the one I go to when I'm having a bad day. You're still the one I go to when I'm having a good day. You're still my best friend. Nothing and no one will ever be able to feel the void left in my heart and in my life. I love you and I miss you more than words can ever express. It's still me and you until the wheels fall off! Love, your big brother.

 

Brow Skin Girl

Featuring Toya "Africa" Johnson

Photography by Demetrius Markee

I am very fortunate to have lived a life, that so far, has treated me well over all.  There is a long list of things that I I am grateful to have or have had in my life. There are a multitude of things that I consider to have been great gifts bestowed upon me in these thirty four years on earth and I can say that I have been blessed with great life experiences. I am so appreciative of all that I have been able to experience and all of the gifts life has offered, but I can say, with a shadow of a doubt that the greatest gift I have ever received is my sister!

There is no greater gift God or my mom could have given me than my sister. Being able to experience life's ups, downs, highs and lows with you has been such an amazing plus to life. Having someone that you can confide in, trust with your secrets, cry with, laugh with, lift you up when you're down and to know that regardless of any decisions you make they will always be there for you is something a lot of people never get to experience. We may not always agree on things, but the love that we share for one another outweighs any and everything. To be able to share my life with you is a blessing. 

I tried my best to make the best decisions in life, because I knew you were watching and I wanted to lead by example. I wanted to ensure that I would be someone you could be proud of and look up to, because I was the older brother, but I now realize that me being the oldest doesn't mean a thing. At the end of the day, it doesn't matter who's older or younger, because we both can lead by example. I may be the oldest, but I in some ways look up to you just as much as you look up to me! Watching you live your life "FOR YOU" despite what anyone may have to say or think makes me proud. Watching you take ownership of your life and grow to love and embrace all that you are has made me better.

Unbeknownst to you, I walk a little more firm in who I am because of you! You've opened my eyes to things in life I may have never paid attention to if I didn't have you. I'm so grateful to have you in my life and to be able to call you my sister. The best thing in the world...I'll never trade you for anybody else!

At Home

Featuring Edward

Photography by Demetrius Markee

There's something comforting about being in your own home with the things you are familiar with. The way it smells, the temperature, your bed and just being in a space where you are able to relax and be one hundred percent comfortable. Home should be the one place you find solace. 

There's no wrong you can do in your own home. There is nothing that can be said about the way in which you go about relaxing in your home. Being in a space that is set up to solely please you and aid in your peace of mind is a feeling that is one of kind. Come inside, lay all your burdens down, relax and and ease your mind...you're home.